It Is My Culture I take With Me

I am always in need of a humbling experience. Sometimes these moments are a breath of fresh air, other times they are a slap in the face, metaphorically speaking. I mean what does it really take for someone to take the first steps toward change. I know we are all experiencing some level of change within ourselves or within our families, but when does it become bigger then ourselves? I find these humbling experiences keep me grounded and help me reflect on why I’m even on this journey to begin with. Aside from bringing my bicultural view to the table, I feel the need to bridge the cultural gap between the western society and those that are more traditional in their beliefs. I realize it would be rather arrogant of me to think that I alone can do this, because I can’t, but with the help of my ancestors it is always a possibility.


I know thus far I haven’t talked much about my cultural heritage, but never the less I find it in bedded in everything I do. From walking in the hall and not making eye contact with those in passing, to feeling embarrassed when I feel myself thinking of “self” and not “others.” You see no matter how far off my reservation I may be living or how assimilated I may seem, deep down I still have Navajo roots. When I go home to visit my family it is still very much a humbling experience for me. Many families depend on the annual fair to sell their summer crops and it is not uncommon to find the best mutton sandwich at a roadside shack selling food. It is a humbling experience for me because, I speak very little Navajo and I chose to move away from home to learn the western cultural ways instead of living at home to learn my own culture. Even though this is what my parents wanted for me, I find it a difficult task even now.

I feel many of the issues that young Native Americans face today are centered in the loss of identity. It is a well known fact that alcoholism has plagued our reservations, but so has sexually transmitted infections, suicide, sexual and physical abuse…..and the list goes on and on. Honestly, I can count myself as one of the lost individuals at one point in time. It is only within the last couple of years that I’ve fully identified myself as being Navajo and have fully learned my clan. I find myself wanting to wake up every morning before the sun comes up to say my prayer of thanks with my corn pollen. Even though I do my best to identify with my ancestors and their teachings I still feel a sense of loss. I feel the loss of my culture and its many traditional teachings, some of those important teachings that I missed out on and now have to gather and piece together for myself.

All this I carry with me on my journey. I don't think I'm alone here, because I know there are many students getting a higher education who are having similar experiences and it may be something they talk about or have decided to keep to themselves.  However, I don't think there can be any cultural awareness in the western society if we don't talk about what is happening.  I also realize what I'm feeling and experiencing are "my" experiences, but at least you are getting a perspective instead of making up one.

My Blessing Way To Midwifery: Comfort Measures

My Blessing Way To Midwifery: Comfort Measures: " I am always amazed at how we as individuals cope with stress, pain, or any influential changes in our lives. Even as I go through this..."

Comfort Measures

     I am always amazed at how we as individuals cope with stress, pain, or any influential changes in our lives.  Even as I go through this program I feel my self changing, my mind being shaped to think a certain way and address situations with a certain tactfulness.  It would seem that this "transition" occurs for everyone and if we are lucky we have support from our families and friends to get us through this time of transition.  What I find most challenging is dealing with the personal struggles outside of the classroom while needing to maintain focus in the classroom. I didn't realize it, but this too is part of the lesson.
     For some this balancing act is not an issue, but if we are really being truthful, it is every ones issue.  We just have different ways of coping with the underlying stress. Up to this point I've felt pretty confident in my ability to cope with just about anything.  So far, I've been doing pretty well...but I can start to feel the heat rising around me. Now, I realize that it was rather silly of me to assume that my unpredictable life would suddenly become predictable while I was transitioning into this new role.  Life continues all around me, it only seems to slow down when I'm sitting in the classroom learning about labor support and the triple descent gradient.  Its during these times I think to myself..now..really..now....this had to happen now when I'm the most vulnerable and full of stress because I have all this information to remember.  Then I begin to tell myself okay Nicolle you can handle this, no need to go into crises mode.  Let me tell ya..there has been many tears shed thus far and I'm not the only one crying.  I'd like to think that my tears have been part of the release valve for all the pressure that has been slowly building inside of me.  The pressure that wakes me up at night worrying about who is going to watch my kids the next day while I'm in class or when my husband is away on travel.  That same pressure that is also building from seeing my extended family go through hard times and I can't be there to hold their hand.  That same pressure that I feel when all I can do is study while I feel silent guilt for my husband taking on all my duties because I no longer have the time to perform them. At the same time I new this was coming, but I just didn't know when. 
       How do I cope with all of this pressure?...well aside from crying.  I talk.  I talk to the Creator, I talk to my husband, I talk to myself, I talk to my grandmothers who passed away when I was a little girl, I talk to my mother....the important thing is I let it out and I move on.  I may not have control of some of these situations, but I do have some control over how I will handle them.  I have to give myself some slack...you are not perfect. I have to remind myself that it's my imperfections that make me unique and special in my own way.  See, it may seem like I pride myself on my perfections, but really I pride myself on my imperfections.  It is in my imperfections that I've been able to connect with people.  Some might think that showing weakness is well...weak.  But I disagree, is it not when you are down that you find out who your real support is? They are usually the ones handing you the tissue, eating the extra large piece of cake for comfort with you, or holding your hand when you get some terrible news.  I know this is only the beginning....but I am beginning to get the picture.

Meeting My Sisters

     The first real encounter meeting my classmates, second year midwives, faculty and other New Mexico midwives was at the San Ramon Tea.   Just for your information, Saint San Ramon is the patron saint of midwives, pregnant women and the unborn.  Honestly I had no idea what to expect.  The invitation said something to the likes of coming as my favorite female musical idol....mm.mmm..musical idol?  Even though I had time to think of a costume of sorts, I decided to just dress in my "best" and go as myself.  Truly I was very excited to see the names and faces of the discussion postings I'd read everyday, but once I arrived at my destination I was struck with a sense of  "What the hell am I doing here!"  I seriously contemplated turning around and driving home.  I really felt out of place, I mean here are these women I don't know having a grand old time dressed up in costumes drinking tea. I think at that moment I saw myself as the Navajo girl looking through the window at my future and realizing that I'm breaking some ground here.  Truly these were the inner workings of my fears at work, because these women were very welcoming.
     It took me a few seconds to collect myself and walk through the door, but I did.  Meeting my classmates was a little awkward at first, considering I lived an hour and a half out of Albuquerque and I had few opportunities to connect with them.  Some had become friends already and others had worked together before starting the program.  It was a little like being the new kid in school, except.....we were all the new kids in school.  This was to by my first lesson in midwifery. 
     The Midwifery community is a small and tight one.  There is this tradition in midwifery, that once you become a midwife, you are sisters.  So basically at the distinguished San Ramon tea I was actually meeting my "sister" midwives.  This was very different from any graduate or medical program I had ever heard of. I couldn't believe these women were going to be part of my support system in my path to midwifery and there after.  I don't know about you, but growing up I had only had a few select friends I considered "family."  Being a mother these days and I'm sure even before that, maintaining friendships after marriage and kids is hard to do.  You are busy raising your kids and trying to spend time with your husband, not to mention nurturing your spirit so you don't loose yourself in the mix if it all. That takes all your time! So here I was in a setting with some extraordinary women who all shared the same passion for women and children as I did.  You can bet that after this first encounter I felt like I really fit in somewhere.  These were my kinda ladies, smart, motivated, hardworking, compassionate, and ready to take on the world.
     If there was a recipe on how to grow a midwife, my professors had the recipe down to a science. In order to go out and care for women, we had to have a good support system and the knowledge to achieve our goals.  So like they say, behind a good husband is a good wife, well behind a good midwife is her sisters..... 

Getting in the Door

          My fascination with childbirth started long before understanding what it meant to be a midwife.  I would say midwifery is more than just helping women empower themselves, It is a philosophy and way of thinking.  The obvious view that separates it from the traditional medical model is that midwives think pregnancy is a natural and normal process.  The midwifery model of care supports a woman during pregnancy as an active partner in her care and encourages her to be the decision-maker.  Myself being a women, I am all for individual decision making especially when it comes to my body.  However, this is not the only factor I considered while making the BIG decision to return to school.  Like all women, once you become a wife and a mother your decisions are not your own.  You have a family to consider and your decisions impact everyone.  It obviously wasn't the potential all nighters catching babies or long work days of seeing 20 plus women on a daily bases that got me filling out my application to graduate school.  It was this idea that as a Navajo women, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and nurse I had something to offer. 
          I wont go into my childhood, but I will say this.  Life is not easy, people let you down, but its during those times that life is taking a turn for the worst you might find yourself.  What I found in my darkest times was hope and strength.  Now I'm not going to lie to you and say each time I was in the dumps I saw the silver lining, but after a few years when I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I really saw what was going on I started to get a sense of what I was made of.  I don't consider myself the smartest lady in the world,   I just don't give up very easly. 
          Growing up I seemed to get the sense that women have not always been treated fairly.  I mean even in my own home I saw the differences. My brother got to tell me to clean up his messes.  My father got the biggest portions of food at the dinner table.  These are small childhood memories, but once I got married and had children there was more.  The amazing part was it was coming from other women and not necessarily the male species.  I was being judged on how I mothered my children, what kind of wife I was, how well behaved my kids were or weren't.  Then I got to thinking about all the issues women face in this world, depression, suicide, sexual abuse, drug abuse, and the list goes on and on and on.  I mean no wonder we have these issues we get judged all the time about what we are doing or not doing.  We are not valued enough as a person.  Now some might say depression and suicide could be brought on by unstable family structures and personal choices, but the bigger picture is these women who suffer from these problems have been beat down enough to think they are not worthy of love, respect, and trust. 
          Midwifery is more than about birthing babies, its about helping women find their worth in many shapes and forms.  Midwives have a long history of supporting women and families when no one wanted the job.  Midwives provide information and options to empower women to be the authority of her own body so that she may make her own choices.   If women are the heart of a family and the cornerstone to healthy families, why not nurture them and support them in their choices.  This is why I decided to return to school.  You will find that many midwives have a strong commitment to women and their families.  The work is hard and at times thankless, but women who choose to take on this journey do have a greater purpose. 
That greater purpose has brought me here.....