Parallels

     While reading research for my Masters exam, I have found some interesting parallels between how to care for older couples in their home setting and caring for women in a clinical setting.  The study was qualitative exploration of the home care experience.  Obviously this is perhaps an odd correlation of themes, but yet should be applied to the care of all.  Those of us living in the context of" meaning well" when we help others when at times this idea of "meaning well" can have detrimental effects on the one you are trying to help. I think as human beings we have a need to feel "independent" and perfectly capable of taking care of "self."  At which the act of giving and receiving help is tricky.  Case in point: I am a terrible speller, I may joke about it, but seriously it is something that is a soft spot for me.  My wonderful and amazing professor took it upon herself to help me correct my spelling draw backs, but I was completely put out by it.  I mean it really bothered me.  I finally told her, "No thank-you, I will ask for help when I need it."  She very kindly accepted my need for independence on this one, but I also realized my need for independence affected my sense of self.  Yes, she is my professor and very knowledgeable in her right, but I didn't trust her yet to accept her help.
     I think this can be expanded to the women and families we care for in a clinical setting.  What may be going on with them medically or naturally can be something out of their control.  They first have to process and accept their situation for what ever loss of independence they may be experiencing.  This is a big deal!  For some this adjustment takes time and the bond we are seeking to make with them is highly dependent on the kind of relationship we want to have with them. The clients themselves have expectations of us, as we have of them, but how are we going to build the trusting relationship with them?  I think this article had it right when stating that first impressions are vital, but so is developing mutually acceptable relationships by really being invested in their ideas of what they value as safe and trustworthy.
     Another parallel I found interesting and important is that both spouses should be viewed as clients participating in their own overall well being.  In the end, we as providers and caretakers of our communities promote this idea, but more importantly its the relationships we gain from these interactions that is the promoter.  One of the major themes that came out of this article that struck a cord with me is this...."Women are viewed as the gatekeepers of the household and its inhabitants." I know most women would agree with this, because it is something that this article found to be vital in gaining the trust of its participants for the study.
     I am sure that the concepts I have brought to your attention are not new ones, but it is a nice reminder for me when I am working with women in the clinic, hospital, or even with friends and family.  I know trust is a big deal to me, I also know that it also has a different meaning for each and everyone of us.  I think that is why I find comfort in exploring these topics from my experiences as a student.  Our paths, our experiences are all varied and individual.  What we gain from them is also very individual.  I think the more I explore our many complex relationships with each other and ourselves the harder it is for me to define "self." Because "self" is ever evolving with each experience.    

Self-Preservation

     In my quietness and time of reflection I find many things floating through my mind.  Really, I am just thankful to have the time to reflect at all.  The semester has been a crazy busy one, some of the craziness inflicted upon self and other craziness inflicted by others.  I have made it a point to rise at dawn so that I may throw my corn mill after saying my morning prayers.  This is all part of me trying regain the inner peace and balance that has been misplaced during this past semester.  I find myself wanting to be in a state of meditation and complete peacefulness so that I may have the energy to take on what lye's ahead.  As comforting spending time with my family was, the holidays are anything but relaxing.  I have to remind myself that what is important during these crazy times is "time and memories."  Aside from the crazy holiday shopping, what will my kids remember most?  Surely, not the number of gifts they got, but that we were together trying to keep the spirit of Santa alive, because as they have grown older, they have become more suspicious.
      While on my holiday travels I found myself revisiting old hurts, which was not part of my relaxation plan, but still it was there.  Its like in its own time capsule that seems to want to open itself up for me every time I visit. How is it possible that I have grown from these events and yet for others they continue to be a cause for future burden at which they then try and rob me of my peace.  As much as I want to bring a greater peace to all that it has hurt, I know I can't.  I am greatly disappointed by this revelation.  Yes, yes those who really want change and healing will find it in their best interest to make those changes.  They can not be forced.  However, it is very hard for me to leave those who still like to stew in their own pity to move forward in my life.  Perhaps it is also why midwifery chose me and I chose it.  To have hope that change is possible is a gift in itself.  I always hold out hope that those that I love with find their way and see beyond their own pain.  It is the same hope that I hold out for all women.  Change is possible.  Perhaps some would say that this idea of doing the same thing again and again hoping for a different outcome is "insanity." And in some ways it is, but some people need that and for some the outcome is different. 
       Aside from dealing with old hurts, I am getting closer to reaching my goal...graduation, for now I am looking forward to the next leg of my journey.  I will be in Chinle, AZ working with my tribe.  I am very excited about this.  To finally be in a place where our traditional healing practices go hand in hand with western medicine.  I know something bigger than me awaits me there, but I'm trying not to get myself worked up over it.  I am doing my best to take whatever happens as it comes my way with patience. The down side to this is that I will be away from my family for two months.  I know I will miss them terrible and I hope that while we are creating memories, this one will not be a sad one for them.  I know my husband will do a bang up job of being their for all of us, I just can't let the guilt eat me alive that I will be away from my babies for that length of time.  My choices of my reality are not easy ones to make nor to live with, but I know there is a reason for them. 

    My prayer to self " to maintain and restore peace, love, kindness, humbleness, and harmony within my self and with my family"