Mentorship

         As much as it was my drive that has gotten me this far, it has been certain individuals in my life that have helped me along.  I can't really say I did this all by myself, because I haven't.  Growing up in a traditional blended family I have to say I took direction from varies individuals in my life.  My grandmothers for one have always been a stable memory in my life.  Both women had qualities that just living day to day life has instilled in them.  My grandmother Mary was sweet and soft, but she had a certain level of strength in her spirit.  She spoke only Navajo and as a young girl I only understood a few words when she spoke to me. The amazing thing is as much of a life force as she was for me as a child, her spirit and memory are more of a life force for me now.  My grandmother Virgina was also a soft memory for me, she had a certain warmth in her smile.  Both women passed before I was old enough to really comprehend how much influence they had over me.  During the time they were in my life, there presence was the security was I seeking, the security that I was wanted and loved.  I think even though their time with me was short, what they hoped to pass on to their granddaughter has taken hold..love, strength, security.

        My teenage years were turbulent ones.  I think there is something to be said about surviving teen years.  I was at the point in my young adult life where I was letting my insecurities eat me alive and at the same time dealing with past hurts.  I felt as small and insignificant as a rock on the ground.  It was during this time that I really considered ending my life.  I had actually considered it on several occasions, but it was on one of these occasions I met Margie.  I remember going to school that day and walking to the counselors office and admitting that I was considering ending my life.  I thought counselor meant mental help, but actually this lady could only help with college placement...So she directed me to Margie who was a childrens counselor.  She happened to be visiting our school that day to meet with other students.  It wasn't so much what she said to me that changed things for me.  Of course she listened to me, but she took me under her wing.  I went to her home on occasion for just visits, she took me to meet her parents and brothers in Southern New Mexico. We talked about all her degrees and just life in general.  I remember being in awe, here was a grown independent woman who took care of herself.  This lady had it together.  I remember thinking, this is who I want to be.  This one woman has no idea what she saved me from.

       Throughout my young life I have been fortunate enough to have many more influential people come into my life.  Some of them have only been in my life for a short time, but others will continue to be influential as long as I breath.  I am comforted in knowing that with each person that comes into my life, there is always a lesson to be learned.  Even as I talk and connect with my preceptors while deciding on our plan of action for each women in our care.  What is it that they want me to know?  What skills are they trying to help me sharpen so that I may be ready to deal with similar issues in the future?  As hard as it may be to be the student it is equally hard to be the teacher.  I'd like to say I take direction well, but on some sensitive issues, I don't take direction very well at all.  I think when you have a good relationship with your mentor you are willing to share your insecurities with them and hopefully they will help you see your way out of them.  I'd like to think that the spirit world sends these special people your way so that they help you in your journey through life. All I know is...I am here.

The First Push

            I'm finding it hard to put the words together to describe all the emotions I've had since this part of my journey has taken on a life of its own.  Most of the time I'm calm and collected, but sometimes that little piece of insecurity likes to show itself.  I can imagine it is similar for a woman who has an initial plan to have a natural unmedicated birth and then once the waves of contractions start to get more intense she may doubt her ability to cope with whats ahead.  Its that one brief moment where you loose control and let the flood of insecurities take hold.  Thankfully, that moment for me has come and gone, but most importantly my "sisters" where there to rope me in and provide the support I needed to push forward.  That single moment where they held my hand and looked me in the eye and said "You got this" was all it took.  Its moments like these where one person or several people can change a life and help bring a new one into it.
           My first week of clinical intrapartum has been filled with many varied experiences and opportunities for me to provide the support my sisters gave me at my time of need to women in their time of need.  When first introducing myself to a family I find it necessary to "feel" the room.  The best way for me to describe this is to feel the energy everyone is giving off.  Some people give off warm energy where as others may put up a wall.  I find that taping into this energy and finding my place in it all is the most important piece of information.  Some like to call it trust and I agree that trust is part of it, but really it is much more.  I have found that there is different energy surrounding each birth, some are calm and full of intimacy, where as others are chaotic.
            Finding my place in their space is how I decide on what kind of support I'm going to provide.  This is where it starts...the training, putting the pieces together, working towards the common goal of any birth, safe delivery of their baby.  I feel I rely heavily on my raw intuition and weigh the pros and cons of any intervention at this early stage.  I know that the diagnostic knowledge and management will come in time and that I need to be patient with myself.  Aside from being completely present at each of these births, my time away from the hospital is spent replenishing my energy and spirit so that I may return ready for the next birth.  Unfortunately this clinical rotation has taken me away from the one thing that does replenish my spirit and energy.....my family. I know this time away will not last forever, but I am comforted that they are still well cared for in my absence.
               For now I make the most of my time being home with my family.  I take small pleasures in making school lunches, talking to my children about their day at school and making sure my husband knows he is a rock star in my eyes...because without them I could not do this.