The First Push

            I'm finding it hard to put the words together to describe all the emotions I've had since this part of my journey has taken on a life of its own.  Most of the time I'm calm and collected, but sometimes that little piece of insecurity likes to show itself.  I can imagine it is similar for a woman who has an initial plan to have a natural unmedicated birth and then once the waves of contractions start to get more intense she may doubt her ability to cope with whats ahead.  Its that one brief moment where you loose control and let the flood of insecurities take hold.  Thankfully, that moment for me has come and gone, but most importantly my "sisters" where there to rope me in and provide the support I needed to push forward.  That single moment where they held my hand and looked me in the eye and said "You got this" was all it took.  Its moments like these where one person or several people can change a life and help bring a new one into it.
           My first week of clinical intrapartum has been filled with many varied experiences and opportunities for me to provide the support my sisters gave me at my time of need to women in their time of need.  When first introducing myself to a family I find it necessary to "feel" the room.  The best way for me to describe this is to feel the energy everyone is giving off.  Some people give off warm energy where as others may put up a wall.  I find that taping into this energy and finding my place in it all is the most important piece of information.  Some like to call it trust and I agree that trust is part of it, but really it is much more.  I have found that there is different energy surrounding each birth, some are calm and full of intimacy, where as others are chaotic.
            Finding my place in their space is how I decide on what kind of support I'm going to provide.  This is where it starts...the training, putting the pieces together, working towards the common goal of any birth, safe delivery of their baby.  I feel I rely heavily on my raw intuition and weigh the pros and cons of any intervention at this early stage.  I know that the diagnostic knowledge and management will come in time and that I need to be patient with myself.  Aside from being completely present at each of these births, my time away from the hospital is spent replenishing my energy and spirit so that I may return ready for the next birth.  Unfortunately this clinical rotation has taken me away from the one thing that does replenish my spirit and energy.....my family. I know this time away will not last forever, but I am comforted that they are still well cared for in my absence.
               For now I make the most of my time being home with my family.  I take small pleasures in making school lunches, talking to my children about their day at school and making sure my husband knows he is a rock star in my eyes...because without them I could not do this.