In my quietness and time of reflection I find many things floating through my mind. Really, I am just thankful to have the time to reflect at all. The semester has been a crazy busy one, some of the craziness inflicted upon self and other craziness inflicted by others. I have made it a point to rise at dawn so that I may throw my corn mill after saying my morning prayers. This is all part of me trying regain the inner peace and balance that has been misplaced during this past semester. I find myself wanting to be in a state of meditation and complete peacefulness so that I may have the energy to take on what lye's ahead. As comforting spending time with my family was, the holidays are anything but relaxing. I have to remind myself that what is important during these crazy times is "time and memories." Aside from the crazy holiday shopping, what will my kids remember most? Surely, not the number of gifts they got, but that we were together trying to keep the spirit of Santa alive, because as they have grown older, they have become more suspicious.
While on my holiday travels I found myself revisiting old hurts, which was not part of my relaxation plan, but still it was there. Its like in its own time capsule that seems to want to open itself up for me every time I visit. How is it possible that I have grown from these events and yet for others they continue to be a cause for future burden at which they then try and rob me of my peace. As much as I want to bring a greater peace to all that it has hurt, I know I can't. I am greatly disappointed by this revelation. Yes, yes those who really want change and healing will find it in their best interest to make those changes. They can not be forced. However, it is very hard for me to leave those who still like to stew in their own pity to move forward in my life. Perhaps it is also why midwifery chose me and I chose it. To have hope that change is possible is a gift in itself. I always hold out hope that those that I love with find their way and see beyond their own pain. It is the same hope that I hold out for all women. Change is possible. Perhaps some would say that this idea of doing the same thing again and again hoping for a different outcome is "insanity." And in some ways it is, but some people need that and for some the outcome is different.
Aside from dealing with old hurts, I am getting closer to reaching my goal...graduation, for now I am looking forward to the next leg of my journey. I will be in Chinle, AZ working with my tribe. I am very excited about this. To finally be in a place where our traditional healing practices go hand in hand with western medicine. I know something bigger than me awaits me there, but I'm trying not to get myself worked up over it. I am doing my best to take whatever happens as it comes my way with patience. The down side to this is that I will be away from my family for two months. I know I will miss them terrible and I hope that while we are creating memories, this one will not be a sad one for them. I know my husband will do a bang up job of being their for all of us, I just can't let the guilt eat me alive that I will be away from my babies for that length of time. My choices of my reality are not easy ones to make nor to live with, but I know there is a reason for them.
My prayer to self " to maintain and restore peace, love, kindness, humbleness, and harmony within my self and with my family"
You can do this! Set no limits Nicolle, you are blessed for having an understanding husband! If I can be here thousands of miles away from the man that means the most, you can do it! You will find your connection with one another to grow even stronger, love has no limits and the person who supports your endeavors is the person you want to be able to talk to during stressful times and good times! Do what you know you can do:)
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